I’m on the bus reading Feast of Crows on my
kindle. Beneath the Marasti road bridge I raise my head and watch out the
window; it’s a cold grey morning and all the trees have given up, green and
hopes have left us and we seem to be driven by an outsider, a lazy daily force.
I feel like waking up and I’m surprised to be on the bus. “How did I get here?”
I ask myself stupidly. I know how: my alarm went off, I snoozed, my cat started fidgeting,
somehow got into the bathroom, washed and got dressed. Headphones and rucksack,
incredibly hysterical music and other people waiting at the bus stop. I’m
uncommonly tired, I have been for days and no amount of sleep seems to drive it
away. Yesterday I fell asleep, for a few seconds only, but I did, whilst
walking!!! No point on thinking about it now. I turn my eyes to the text in my
hands and I’m glad for these 30 minutes, my only 30 minutes, of reading a day.
I know that by the time I get off work, in six to seven hours, I won’t be able
to hold on to it. I’ll fight sleep again and hopefully I’ll win, or I’ll drop
down, on the pavement, swept away by a sweet delight or by some horrible modern
god. I’ve stopped asking what’s the point, such questions are for early youth,
when you think you might come up with a general long expected answer to undying
questions. Yes, green, hopes and question marks have left us all. I’m left with
the potential affirmative. Its job is to keep me awake for the next hours,
while I squeeze myself into a life crushing desire to give it all and nothing
left for me. I stopped asking myself what’s the point. I just do it, listening
to an inner voiceless command. I’m no longer young, but I’m not old either, not
yet, and this period, in time, or in my mind, is too calm for my taste and my
nerves.
I’m at work two hours earlier. I stopped
asking myself why. I could have slept more. I’ll make some tea, take my shoes
off, put my feet on the radiator and read some more. I remember now why I wake
up two hours earlier. They’ve stolen my reading time, so I’m stealing it back!
